Comfort Keeper

I couldn't sleep last night - from 2:05 until 5:30 I lay awake asking myself, "When did John stop being my little boy?" I don't know the answer but it's apparently come on slowly enough that I didn't see it coming. Then, last night, at precisely 2:05 it hit me.

Lucy had a fever and was home sick from school yesterday so when I heard the attic door open and footsteps come up the stairs at 2 am last night I just assumed one of the kids wasn't feeling well. I forced open my eyes to see John at the corner of the stairs and as I prepared to hold out my arms for him I saw him bypass me and head to the other side of the bed. Admittedly, I was somewhat OK with that - after all, it meant Dave got to deal with a sick child. But then I heard him snuggle in with Dave and murmur, "I had a nightmare."

I instantly became fully awake. Wait a minute - if it's a nightmare aren't I the one to provide comfort? Aren't I the one to hold the child tight in my arms and nuzzle my mouth into that sleepy head full of hair and whisper, "It's OK, Mama's here. It was just a dream. Mama's here."

Granted, the instant Dave told John everything was OK and let him go John rounded back to my side of the bed and gave me a hug as well. I held him tight and resisted the urge to have him lay in bed with us for a bit. Instead, I told him to start down the stairs and I'd come tuck him back in. He did and I did. But even then, he was already in bed with the covers pulled tight heading back to his own dreamworld.

I went back upstairs and crawled into bed but I couldn't sleep. When did this happen? When did he start looking to Dave for comfort more than me? I'm not jealous, really I'm not. But I feel a sort of sadness that my time as the main comforter is up - my little boy is growing up. Maybe it'll come back around again at some point - but who knows.

The whole thing is I'm happy for Dave and for our kids. They all know love for one another in an unconditional way. They know that even though Dave might get grumpy at them for not listening the first time or for coming downstairs after they should have been in bed he still loves them and will always be there for them. That even though he travels around the country quite a bit we're not far from his thoughts when he's gone.

When he's home, he's really home. And that's not just because he works out of 817. It's because he's present. His presence is in the way their vitamins are on the kitchen table every morning and the way vegetables make their way to that same table at suppertime. It's in the booming "Good morning" we hear as he sees us for the first time each day. It's how he gets up early and goes to work at 817 and then makes his way back over here before school starts and even walks with us to school a few days a week. And it's in the "I love you" voiced each night. It's no wonder John sought Dave for comfort last night... we should all have such a Dave in our lives.

I'm so glad I do.